No. I haven't mistyped "she" and formed the communal rallying cry of people who have zero understanding of domestic violence and the difficulties a woman has in leaving a situation where she is abused.
I talk instead of the fact that an abuser is always "leaving". Except the bugger never really goes.
Let me explain. Early in a relationship a practised abuser uses his physical presence to unsettle and disorientate his prey. At the start of a relationship many partners want to be with each other more and more. The delirious feelings of love are developing. (For the abused - not the abuser) There is physical intimacy which bonds a couple. A woman will find herself falling in love with the man who will go on to abuse her. He will be really good at making her believe he is in love with her too.
There may be gifts. There may be trips. There will be long nights sharing intimate secrets. These are particularly good for him because the more he learns the more he can use. Your father beat you? Logged. You were picked on at school for your weight? Logged. You have always been afraid of being left alone. Logged. You love your best friend but she sometimes makes you feel used? Logged. Every thing you say that he could hurt you with he is storing. This is a valuable time for the abuser with a longer game in mind. He can't get the joy of power at this stage but he is setting the charge for later explosions and that is quite thrilling to him. He also gets to tell you everything he wants you to believe about him. Little might be true.
If for any reason he sniffs insecurity - that is the golden gift for him. Has a man previously left you low on trust? Has a previous man left you needy? Have you been sold the idea that you must be with a man for life? The myth of "the one" bitten you hard? He's got that ready to go against you.
Weeks will pass. Perhaps months if he is very skilful and can hold his abuse back a little longer. You might feel totally secure. Even occasionally superior to him. He isn't as attractive as you. He isn't as socially adept. You know he's actually bloody lucky to have you and he may even tell you this. You may even feel that you could walk away at any point.
Then he leaves. Out of the blue a tiny argument over nothing blows up and he walks out. No warning. No discussion. He's just gone. "I've had enough of this. See ya."
You are stunned. You weren't expecting this. What did you do?
And that is your first taste of his leaving. He knows how you are feeling. He knows that you struggle with rejection. You have probably told him! You now have to tell your friends and that is embarrassing because you've been telling them how perfect he is. You are miserable. You cry. You wonder where all the beautiful future you planned has gone? Did he really feel so little for you. Down you spiral. Your friends try to convince you that he's a wrong un. You won't listen. They are your friends. They just don't know how you felt. They are bound to take your side. You have a drink with your friends and then you get on the phone. He doesn't answer. He flips it to answer phone.
You will text him expecting it is an easy misunderstanding. He will ignore you. You will panic that he is with someone else. That he is dead. You will think your phone isn't working properly. So "gone" is he that you are convinced something is really wrong. There is no answer to any of your texts. Or there is an answer which confirms it is over and lists your faults that make it impossible to continue a relationship.
Shall I tell you where he is?
The pub probably. Laughing. Having a good time. Knowing you are in pain and knowing he is coming back. Oh yes. He is coming back. That is the scariest thing. He knows he is coming back as he slams the door. He just needs to come back to a very different you. A weaker you. A you who knows her place.
So a few days later your eyes are black from crying. If you have kids they will have been rocked because you won't have been listening to them much. You will have been distracted and miserable. In real terms you haven't been living.
He's sorry. He didn't know what he was doing. Here's a gift. Here's a cuddle. Here's a sheepish him making jokes and making light of your devastation. Here's you. Fixed. The pain has gone away.
A pattern is established. With him you are happy. Without him there is pain.
You will notice he didn't leave for long but he left as though it was real. He made it convincing enough for you to really hurt.
And then he just repeats. He lets you get secure again and then he goes. Each time he comes back he cements things a little more of course. You get deeper into the relationship and more invested and he is just waiting to bring you lower and bring you more under control.
Sometimes they leave for very short periods. Mid-discussion they just grab their keys and slam the door. They come back a few hours later. The thing is ..... you don't know if it is the last time. You don't know if this is actually the real thing. You spend time in a desperate panic. You fast forward through all the difficulties this will cause. You've been there so many times before it triggers the same vertiginous panic even if it is just hours as opposed to days.
Do they have any times they won't leave like this?
No. They will leave when it's your birthday, they will leave when your mum dies, they will leave when you find out you're ill. Sometimes they leave because it is convenient. Like another woman is looking available to them. Or their friend has offered a holiday. Or they need a big night out with the boys and no strings attached while they flirt, or even sleep with, another woman.
Do you need to be living together?
No. He loves leaving you in the middle of the street. In restaurants or bars. At parties where your friends are. At parties where his friends are and you know no one. On holiday. He will leave you anywhere that you can't cope on your own easily. That is lots of fun for him.
They will leave just before Christmas. A woman told me she has just been left in a new home she can't afford, with 2 small children who she thought he loved too, a dog they bought together, debt she'd offered to help with. She is distraught. She didn't expect this to happen. They were getting married. He loves her. Doesn't he love her? She must have done something wrong? It must be her fault she decides. It is never her fault. He knew he would be pulling this act from the first time he saw her probably.
He will come back. He will come back. I wish I could tell her that he won't. That if she waits she will get over it. That if she waits she will see that she had a lucky escape. That if she waits her life is waiting for her.
But she needs the quick fix. She needs it like air. He's made sure of that. I understand totally. I just wish she could change the locks, change her number and change the programme. I wish women could help her.
"I'm sorry. I'm coming back."
*This man differs from one who fears commitment. That man may eventually be ok for you. It may just take him time. This man is not that man.
Sunday, 18 December 2016
Saturday, 10 December 2016
Currently I am being accused of a crime. I have been raising money for the complainant in the Ched Evans case (or Woman X as she has come to be known and then stealing it). I have published below the account statement from Go Fund Me. This is where the money has been throughout and where it remains. I am awaiting them transferring that amount to Rape Crisis England and Wales. I have put Rape Crisis in touch with the Police Superintendent in charge of the care of Woman X. They are negotiating a handover of half the funds between them and no money will ever pass through me. I have full and robust evidence of this should any investigation require it.
Accusing me of embezzlement is the utterly vile Ciaran Goggins.
Ciaran Goggins is probably mentally ill. He was once accused of rape and sadly this never went to trial. That of course means he was never found guilty of rape. Women withdraw accusations for a variety of different reasons. He was accused by a student nurse in Hertfordshire in 2004. She clearly accused a man she felt had raped her. I’ll leave that observation there.
He has been obsessed with any dominant media rape cases ever since. Ched Evans was his “favourite”. Ched Evans publicly denounced him. This appears to have had a seriously detrimental effect on his already fragile mind. It seems from reports that he is largely vagrant and when not attempting to maintain a rather sad existence on derelict land in County Cavan, Ireland, I am told by his estranged family and friends that he occasionally wanders to the UK and travels with his possessions in a carrier bag looking for families to attach to. I’m informed by a media source that he is particularly fond of young boys and has a tendency to form worrying attachments to women through whom he might access them. He seems to have a urinary problem that renders him incontinent and pungent.
However, despite his obvious problems that would lead me to sympathy and natural compassion any Google search will reveal significant smearing of my character and all sorts of nonsense that Ciaran Goggins wants to remain in the public realm. This is what he does. He targets women with accusations of the vilest type and repeats them until any search of their name leaves them tainted with suspicion.
So, whilst he is clearly deranged, and common sense says to ignore this, it is upsetting to know that this kind of digital footprint of my name exists and I want to attempt to put something out there which will reveal the truth about his cruel and obsessive stalking of the online profiles of women.
Despite his diminutive character (he’s a tiny little pant-soiler is Ciaran) the impact on the lives of good women that this man has is significant. He stalks relentlessly. He posts pictures of their family that he has stalked online, personal details and regularly talks of when he will visit and how he will be bringing his Stanley knife with him. He finds any evidence of you online and posts horrific accusation of things that you have done. Previous to this latest nonsense I have been posted as being suicidal, alcoholic, neglecting my daughter, aiding a peadophile husband in his pursuit of child porn etc etc. All sorts of grim and blatantly untrue nonsense details in his posts. This is irritating, and yet anyone who knows me in real life looks at me with incredulity that I even give it a second glance. It is so obviously untrue. I have been divorced for years. So much of what he writes is clearly pure fiction but he says it anyway because he knows that once it is on Google it sticks.
During the retrial of Ched Evans, Ciaran Goggins’ blog was removed as he was naming the complainant. This angered the presiding judge who was almost forced to abandon the trial because of this. It was deleted by Wordpress.
He simply continues his vile “work” on other host sites. He continues to spread his lies far and wide. He continues to stalk and harass women and in particular women who are victims of sexual violence.
From my point of view he is hard to fight against. He is in Ireland and has some protection because the police and CPS are lazy and don’t understand the imminent danger of a man so deranged and so violently obsessed that he could carry out his threats any day now. I will continue to press them for action and they assure me they “have him on their radar” now. This includes the Westminster Palace police. He incited others to murder Liz Truss at one point. I captured this and sent it to her team. They contacted me and said I should report as I found the blogpost and then they could act. Liz Truss herself did not want to start the ball rolling. Strange that, for a woman in charge of protecting the rest of us, that she expected the common woman with no power to act and do her job for her.
I spoke to Westminster Police who assured me he is in their sights. Not as far as I can see. This was months ago and he still harasses myself and other women on a daily basis.
Because I fight for women. Because I am a woman. Because I don’t give in to his pathetic little tactics and I am not giving in yet.
I will continue to fight against this pathetic little man and I will finally see him in jail. I am more than happy to face him in court and one day that will happen. I hope he decides to sue me for this blog so that I can drag his soggy little bottom into a British courtroom.
Ciaran Goggins is a danger to women. He is a danger to himself and he is making a complete mockery of the British Justice System, the police and the Government who are constantly talking about justice for victims of stalking when in reality, one of the worst harassers of women is still freely wandering the streets with his little carrier bag. Quite possibly he has the aforementioned Stanley knife in it with which he will attempt to kill me. I'm much easier to access than the well-protected Liz Truss. I'm pleased for her that she is. I'm less content myself and could do with some protection from her and the law.
So Amber Rudd and Liz Truss. Enough of the words and promises. Do something about him. Earn your money.
Here is the Stripe account linked to the Go Fund Me account. The figure does not show the admin fees deducted by GoFundMe but it does show that all of the money raised and available is still there.
This tallies completely with the amount in the email statement GoFundMe sent on 8th October apart from an amount donated yesterday which is not processed. Also, there is the £1000 donated in error which was refunded and that is confirmed by GoFundME and the excel document I have downloaded. For clarity though .... a screenshot of the refund is also posted below.
The amount will be transferred to Rape Crisis England And Wales on Monday. They have kindly agreed to deal with the police team in charge of the care of Woman X and arrange for the transfer of the other half to her to do with as she chooses. She is apparently very happy that Rape Crisis will receive half the money. I am delighted to have raised it and saddened to have been accused in this way. Hopefully this makes everything clear.